Written by Leighton Jones / Translated by: Josie M.

I’ve been thinking about writing about the seven deadly sins, or more to the point Taiwan’s equivalents of the seven deadly sins for some time now.

The original list of lust, gluttony, avarice, sloth, wrath, envy and pride all seemed to have their Taiwan counterparts here somewhere. And then the Pope went and screwed up my whole plan. Not content with seven highways to hell, Pope Benedict XVI went and added seven more, sure fire ways to get yourself there. Added to that easily perpetrated list, we now also have; drug use or sale, polluting, manipulative genetic science, pedophilia, abortion, social injustices causing poverty, and obscene wealth (is that getting rich off the porn industry?). Gary Glitter, Bill Gates, George Bush, Pablo Escobar and Exxon, you’re all going straight to hell! Highway 11 will see you there!

Now, being that I am one slothful sod and awfully proud of my brief articles, like everything else that comes from the Vatican, I have chosen to ignore the new sins and just concentrate on the original indubitable seven. And after all, if it isn’t printed in the bible, it’s not gospel and I therefore don’t believe it. But then again, having just finished reading the bible (I mean the ESL abridged version….well the back page of it anyway) I discovered that there is no mention of the cardinal sins. Apparently the original list wasn’t thought up until the 4th century by Monk Ponticus and then reworked by Pope Gregory the Great. Good work Greg, no wonder they say you were great! What happened pre 4th century? Were people just running amok willy-nilly, going nuts on wine and bread, getting wrathful at the carpenter next door and lusting after archangels? Does that mean that Pontius Pilot might be in heaven chilling with the cherubs? God forbid. Read on, and find out if you will be spending the afterlife with me!

Gluttony       

In a country where obesity is rare and the chubby kids get chided into a diet of cabbage dumplings without any black tea, gluttony is for sure rare. The hotel buffets here are in fact doing their very best to change that though. All you can eat for usually about five hundred and the occasional hotel buffet also throws in beer. Yes, beer! Try the Marshal Hotel for huge plates of food and all you can drink draft beer! Wear loose fitting pants and a belt with some extra notches. Consider skipping a meal or two to make the most of it, and make no plans for the following day.

Lust      

From what I understand, adultery here in fair old Taiwan, is illegal and therefore punishable by prison time. So of course that ain’t going on here. Ahem. Then of course there is more than a fine line between coveting thy neighbor’s wife and jumping thy neighbor’s wife’s bones. The biggest concern for me is; what is the punishment for coveting thy babe that hath work at thy tea stand? And why are thee always so hot? Do frumpy lasses not know how to make good tea? But like any modern country, lustiness is being used to sell everything from cars, to cell phones to well, ah, betel nuts. And it seems to work. So, so far, Taiwan, you are two from two!

Avarice       

Avarice is described as being an excessive and insatiable desire or greed. No, not the greed that Pope Benny is talking about involving obscene wealth. This is your every day run-of-the-mill greed. Wanting a faster Vino, a newer BenQ cell phone, a fancier Acer flat screen, more frankincense and myrrh, an inn when a manger will do just fine, are all things that could get you in to naraka. I don’t think anyone could argue that the Taiwanese are any greedier than any other country and anyway, I’m gonna take the word of Gordon Gecko over the Catholic Church on this one. Greed is good! Oh, and frankincense is awesome.

Sloth      

Oh yes, the couch potato! For those of you that can while away your weekend watching re-runs of One Million Star eating the wasabi peanuts, according to the Vatican, you’re all going straight to hell! While we’re on the topic, if sloth is a deadly sin, how do the two and three toed sloths get on? Hell must be just full of the poor little fellas. Sloth is in their nature and there is just nothing they can do about it. Apparently god is fallible. Wait, do omnivores go to hell? Anyway, sloth for sure is the one sin that is most prevalent here. It seems most people don’t start exercising until they hit sixty and then they do it, slowly, at five in the morning in groups of at least thirty. And quite often, interrupting my stumble home from the pub. Shhhhh.

Wrath       

What exactly makes Taiwanese people get angry? It doesn’t seem like much. The nightly garbage truck noise bothers no one. F-16 jet planes get up nobody’s noses. And, anyway, how can anger be a crime punished by hell. Surely, spitting the dummy at some inconsiderate taxi driver, at best, should result in a stint in purgatory. Taiwan is definitely innocent of this one.

Envy       

Yes, listening to Enya is a deadly sin. Wait, I misread that. It says envy. My bad. Is this not human nature? You see someone with a hotter la mei, don’t you want her? You see someone with a hotter shui ge, do you not want him? You see someone with the B and Q VIP card, and don’t you want one? Perhaps, the seven cardinal sins could be updated. I would replace this one with double parking. That’s way more sinful.

Pride       

Yes, hanging out with a bunch of lions will…ok…I’m not gonna finish that sentence. The Bible says we can not be too proud! Of anything. Humility will get you into heaven and humility alone. Lower your eyes folks. Trade the beemer for a Honda. Move to Shou-feng. And stop buying fake LV bags at the morning markets!

It does seem that Taiwan is guilty of at least some of the seven cardinal sins, if merely in Hard Livin’s skewed approach to the whole thing. But don’t fret people! If you have committed one or even all of the above sins, you might still have the chance of a reprieve. Yes! Confession! Confession will save you from eternal damnation. Get thee to thy church and repent! And for those of you who are trying to fast track your way to heaven, there are also seven holy virtues. But I didn’t think to read about them. Who would? What would be the fun in that?